Tuesday, October 16, 2012

He's Really A Good Guy, But....

There is this sentence I have heard parents describing their sons, girlfriends describing their exs or baby's daddy, or current wives describing their husbands, not realizing that the moment they use the word but, it completely diminishes whatever good thing that was said previously. Was that intentional?

First, it is a topic that has been taught before. Its been discussed and in some cases completely disregarded because of the state of the individual interested in getting into a relationship for the purposes of marriage. There are steps necessary to find if the guy is really good or just pretending to be (Luke 6:45 AMP).

I just thought of another reason for the disregard to instruction (Proverbs 10:17 AMP). It is the definition I use for good. It would seem the meeting of the standard would be an extreme and therefore doesn't wish to try. The standard being...God. It is written, God is good. Because He created man in His image, He expects for man to return to the basic means by which he was created. It is why Jesus came, for man to have life and have it more abundantly. It is also the definition I use for man being good. Man had a place to live, provision, and something to do. God looked at man and how all of the animals had another yet man did not have anyone. God said it is not good for man to be alone. So God made it to be good by creating help for man in the form of a woman. It was then good - because of God.

In the generation following mine, I have heard men speak of establishing a relationship by which he can be cared for. "His woman" must have a job and a means so he can be comfortable. She has to supply his need (Philippians 4:19 AMP). This is a different plan other than what God created. I listened to this group of men discuss this and give each other "play" as they came in agreement to what they have decided to do with their lives and how they were going to have it with little to no effort on their parts. In their minds, delusional as it was, they considered as good (Matthew 12:35 AMP). In that plan, they would also have to be able to have their words together to manipulate some unsuspecting young girl to go along with it. How young would she have to be or how desperate (2 Timothy 3:6 AMP)? Eventually, because I have seen the outcome of such plans, she will grow up and come to her senses. Usually bitter, resentful, and raising children to be like her or like their father. The fruit of this plan is obviously not good. It is an evil treasure and continues until someone accepts Jesus to break the cycle.

A well known drug dealer in Detroit has since passed away. He was survived by a number of children that have decisions to make all of their own. They can be respectable upstanding citizens or walk in their father's shoes having the same results. One of the sons, now a grown man went into a pawn shop with a $7,000.00 charm. It was encrusted with diamonds, emeralds and rubies. He told his story to the pawn broker and requested a price to sell. The pawn broker asked why didn't he just want to pawn the piece. The young man stated who his father was and he was determined to break the cycle. Specifically, he said, "it stops here." Because he spoke those words and his determination to make a difference, he will do well. He will be tested to see if he will stand when the storms of life come, but if he is determined - he has the beginnings to be considered good.

I was watching one of my favorite shows, Intervention on A&E. There was this man that had been through a horrible childhood, decided to go to jail for his drug dealer of a father, his father attempted to rape his wife so the son turned state's evidence against his father for a reduced sentence. He supposedly shook it all off when he came out of prison to start anew. He went to church, started a business, provided well for his growing family and life was good. After about 8 years, the economy did a turn around and everything he owned went into foreclosure or was repossessed. When he couldn't take the pressure of life's storm, he returned to what he was used to before he went into prison only he added sleeping with prostitutes for the drugs as well. His wife, trying to hold onto the marriage, described him as being a really good guy. As he continued to ostracize himself from his children, he taught his daughter to enable his habit. His sons just grew to be angry for being ignored. When the intervention proceeded and he heard the feelings of his children, he did what was expected with the tears and the proverbial "yes" to get some help for his addiction. However, within days of getting treatment, he left the facility to resume the lifestyle he had grown accustomed to. His family, according to the documentary, went on with their lives without worrying about where he was or what he was doing. They all had to receive counseling in order to get through it. His wife stopped referring to her former husband as being good.

I hope women who have had children by such men are still calling these men good out of faith, and/or for the sake of their children, and/or for others to have respect for their children's father no matter what he has done. You see if you don't speak well of him, the children will see that you dislike him. If this is true, then there is a part of the child you dislike as well. You say that cannot be; nevertheless, it is the thought processes of a child that you cannot deny. Once spewing out the resentment from what this supposed "good" man isn't doing and your child has heard, it is like unringing a bell. It cannot be done. Therefore, speak well of him no matter what he has done. The children will need to hear those good things (Matthew 18:6 AMP). They will make assessments of their own as they learn what truly is good and what isn't.

There is another hurdle that must also be climbed, and this is other people. Because of the choice that was made to have children with a man whose actions have been less then favorable, everyone has an opinion especially when his life is much worse then anything they have ever done. The "Christian" thing to do of yester-year is to say nothing and allow Jesus to be the judge for them to do battle. It sounds good and it takes the anguish of having to do it yourself. However, in that time when words are spoken, the children will hear them. It is the unringing of the bell again. You must keep in mind the emotional and mental security of those little ones making sure that they know you are not pleased with the ill will that is being said over their father. This does 3 things: it helps to heal the children, teaches them how to defend themselves without being physically brutal, and it causes the people to realize that it is better that they not say anything at all (Luke 17: 1-3 AMP).

With all of this in mind, the question is, what does this have to do with Christian dating? Easy, we all lived some sort of way before coming into the knowledge of the truth. In that time, though we have turned from those evil ways, children have been the fruit of those ways in which we have turned. We cannot forsake them (1 Timothy 5:8 KJV). We have to raise them the best way we know how in Christ. While in the process of this and making sense of our own lives, the desire to date doesn't just vanish. Test and the storms of life won't disappear on its own (Matthew 8:23-27 AMP). Decisions will still have to be made. Some of us have relapsed in that old life. With that relapse came the same sort that seemed to be good. This post serves as a reminder to make or you to make sure it is good - not only for you but those children too. Amen?

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