Thursday, February 28, 2013

His Queen Or Daddy's Princess?

When the decision is made to be with the one you love in matrimony, that decision is coupled with leaving Mom and Dad and cleaving to the spouse (Mark 10:7 AMP). When you are all grown up, that is not a hard move to make. However, saying that you are grown up and actually being grown are two different things.

You see, the only reason it is hard for a woman to let go of her parents is because the man who she is attaching herself to has no plan. He is gung-ho on being married and having legal sex to where no one will have an opinion that will mean anything because the vows have been spoken and all of the papers have been signed. But there is the after wards... when the flesh has settled and the pressure to have sex has been relieved, then there are those other things that no one worked out in a plan. Like, who is supposed to get up from the marital bed and make a paycheck? Who is going to make sure that pregnancy isn't the next thing to concern yourself about? When the honeymoon is over, where are you going to live? Is there a joint account or will you both keep your funds separate?

Recently, I asked on FB in a Christian group, what kind of help are the guys looking for? I waited for any man (in the group) to answer the question and as I did, I saw a few women "like" that the question was asked. So we were all waiting. As we did, we started filling in the blanks ourselves. Not what the men were going to answer just what we have seen over the years and where our minds were when we first got married. Divorces have occurred without this question being answered while in the dating process. Women have found themselves in a role that was established for all women eons ago and no one has said anything different. Times have changed. Women have changed. The economy has changed. God is the only one that is the same looking for the same requirements for Him to get that harvest (Matthew 9:37-38 AMP). How is he (the man) supposed to be ready for the harvest? What is the plan? What does he (the man) need help with? Will this change over the years? What is the goal that he is trying to establish? Is that goal long term or short term? Where does he see himself in 20 years, 10, and in the next 5?

Eventually, those questions will have some importance. When they do, its usually when there are children involved and she is feeling trapped. It is the husband's jobs to keep her feeling secure, well loved, and cared for. How can he do this if there was no plan established? How can she feel like she is contributing if she doesn't know where she is most needed? She isn't feeling much like a queen would and therefore will think back to the simpler time when Daddy took care of everything. Bills were paid, there was food on the table, she could go to the store without it being a 2 hour discussion, having her own car wasn't an ordeal, and she knew when she came home, she had a home to come to.

Lately, there are blended families that come together for the sake of finances or caring for an ailing parent. If she has been left with the children, then of course, she will go back home for the support she didn't get from her now estranged husband. However, these days the newly married couple goes to live with Mom and Dad. When the parents get involved with the relationship then the newly married man wants to puff his chest up and try to make himself known as the husband of his wife and the parent's should have no say in what he does in their relationship. This would sound so much more authoritative if only he wasn't standing in her father's house. Yes, he can use the scripture to establish who he is and what the parents become but that is with carrying out the plan as the head of her in his own home. How can you cleave to the spouse in the home of the parent that raised the newly married spouse? It is a good reason to have a plan before making such a drastic life altering move. Otherwise, she is going to ask Daddy for help because she doesn't know how she can be of any help to you.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Perfect Mate For a Loner

One of my favorite shows, odd as it may seem, is Hoarders on A&E. Over the numbers of episodes that I have watched, there is a specific common thread in all of the clients. You would think that common thread is mental illness but that is the result of what the common thread brought. Most often then not it was some sort of trauma which led to them being alone. The few cases that didn't, usually suffered from some sort of loss in the family.

Theoretically, there are exceptions to the rule, in this case, the common thread. One of the exceptions was this couple who met while in college. They never had children and were loners before meeting each other. What they did share was a love for knowledge and books. She was working at the college library or bookstore when they both graduated with PhD's. Even then, they often found themselves engrossed in some sort of book. After reading, they'd come together and discuss what they read. This was their pattern, their habit, their mode of operation. However, as they were narrating this particular episode, they even had to admit being so engrossed in their thirst for knowledge the time they took engulfing information put them in their own world. So much so, they would forget to come together for discussion and eventually no longer felt a need to talk to each other any more.

One day, the husband spoke about how he found a sale on books or a book store was going out of business. He brought all of what he bought to her place of business - on her job. They were both so thrilled. The camera then broke from his narrative to the inside of their home as the viewers hear him say, "that's where it all began." From the ceiling to the floor and wall to wall, book upon books. The shelves were packed. None of them in boxes. For some reason all of the books had to be seen and touched. Organized and sectioned by subject matter, the two were beaming to show such the collection. They believed, at last count, that they had over 30,000 books. The problem was that after over 35 years of marriage, he developed a respiratory problem. He used an oxygen tank most often but the real solution was getting rid of the books. He smiled and graciously refused to part with any of them.

As the tour of the house finished, what was noticed is their own separate worlds also separated them as a married couple. He engulfed himself in a room with thousands of his favorite books while she did the same; and slept with the books rather then each other. She quickly exclaimed, "That doesn't prove that we don't love each other. We don't need sex to prove that." He smiled and nodded in agreement. They were alone in the same house and they could not see that.

Personally, I enjoy peace and quiet (Isaiah 32:17-18 KJV). I find that it is better achieved by being alone. I do my best studying, writing, and drawing when I am alone - but still, it is written, it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18 AMP). While meditating on that verse, I recall when Jesus went to that man that was possessed by many. He was fettered (chained) and alone (Mark 5:1-20 AMP). Was he always that way which caused him to be possessed? Though it is not written, it would make sense. We aren't designed to be alone. I realized this being a stay at home Mom. While my children napped, I craved adult conversation. When my now ex-husband came home, it was like someone released the nob of the winding device attached to me. I talked about everything and followed him around the house until I had nothing more to say. I realized this weeks after. I had to wean myself and find other venues for human correspondence.

Some people fall in love so easily because they have been away from human contact for so long. One ounce of interest has the loner gravitating towards the other. Why? Because of that craving for human contact. The loner has not practiced socializing skills so expressing a common interest is misinterpreted as having chemistry. Once dating, conversation and socialization becomes common and realizing the truth is the result. However, will the loner know how to end the dating process having realized that there is no attraction? Not likely. The loner has never experienced rejection nor has communicated with anyone else who has been rejected; therefore, the relationship becomes stagnate.

The answer to the question if there is a perfect mate for a loner? The answer is, no. With the couple hoarding books, when she saw her mate wasn't willing to give up any books not even for his own health, she stepped up to rid herself of the books she owned for the sake of her husband. As the books were being discarded, it was found that the count was not 30,000 as they originally thought but hundreds of thousands. Once most of her books were gone, then he complied. As I continued to watch this episode, all I could see from him was the epitome of selfishness (Galatians 5:19-21 AMP).

Selfishness is the characteristic of a loner. He has nothing to give to anyone else and doesn't wish to receive either. This does not characterize a Christian. To be alone is a state of mind and not being. As Christians, we are never alone. As we continue with the tasks, which is our purpose in life, we hear the voice of the Good Shepherd. He is pleased. Then that is the time when we are being presented to or being shown a presentation of our spouses to be. The perfect mate has always been there. That perfect mate has been obedient to God, he/she has the fruit of the Holy Spirit and is easily recognized by other believers because of the lifestyle chosen (Galatians 5:16-18 AMP). It is because of our trust in Him, discipline in considering our ways, and allowing for patience to have her perfect work that we are able to be blessed. Loners don't do that; therefore, they can't have that (Galatians 6:7 AMP).

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Heartache to Heart Break

The world needs a day to express love for one another. To exchange gifts and baubles which is taught in grade school with classmates. Truly, all children aren't really enjoying this particular day especially those whose parents didn't receive many invitations or the parents that can't see the value in purchasing the cards, envelopes, little heart candies and the like just for their child to be well liked. It is the beginning of how a child learns about networking and being socially engaging. The child then grows and does the same thing independently and not needing a particular day to be engaging.

Ah, Valentine's Day. A day where the symbol representing it is a heart shape. The heart being indicative of love. The card with the heart shape is given freely to the person with whom he/she is supposedly in love with. The person receiving the heart shape is either blushing, surprised, or embarrassed. Whether it is accepted or merely thanked and tossed in the nearest receptacle is pretty much the way some people have dealt with relationships. It is the hope that the heart of the person is well received and handled with care.

In the last 10 years, scientists and doctors have announced the study that heart disease has climbed up to be the number one "silent killer" of women. There is a campaign that has moved breast cancer to number two. It is not the pink ribbon pin as much as there is the little red dress pin. How did that happen and so fast? What has changed within the family and economy that would make such the heart something that women must concern themselves about?

Science uses the factors of people being ignorant of their family history, having poor diets, sedentary lifestyles, and lower incomes not affording decent health care to be in contact with primary physicians. However if all of these things are in place and the disease still happens, what then? Why would or could such a thing happen? What else can be done as a safe guard in keeping one's heart healthy?

Oddly, the studies of stress factors aren't as prevalent as the aforementioned. Nevertheless, as Christians, we know that stress plays a part in our overall spiritual health and there fore would also be a part of our physical health as well. The word tells us to guard our hearts for out of them comes the issues of life (Proverbs 4:23 AMP). In doing so, we have to look at this from a spiritual level before physical because we walk in the Spirit so not to fulfill the lusts of the flesh (Galatians 5:16 KJV). To guard is to be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to wrath (James 1:19 AMP). To guard is not to quarrel with one another because it doesn't promote righteousness (James 1:20 AMP). To guard is knowing good and doing something about it when   wrong has been perceived (James 4:17 AMP). To guard is by acknowledging Him in all they ways so that He can direct your path (Proverbs 3:6 AMP). To guard is to walk in love in all that you do (Ephesians 5:1-6 AMP).

Having these practices in place not only keeps stress out of your life, but also allows for wisdom to take over and tell you things that you didn't know. When people say, "something told me not to do this or that." It is because of good seed sown in good ground. The production of that seed is also good. You would know this by studying the parable of the farmer and the seed (Mark 4:13-20 AMP). How does this parable work in Christian dating?

When God created man, He created him with everything he could need - physically. When God looked at all that He had done, it is written that He determined that it was not good for man to be alone. In creating the woman, man was put to sleep. Man wasn't gallivanting hither and yon trying to sow wild seed where ever he could. Man wasn't told to go traveling in search for his mate from all over the world. Man wasn't given instruction for  a lot of women to be created first so he can have a beauty pageant to pick out a smorgasbord from the liter. Man was put to sleep. He was resting. When God took the rib from man to fashion a woman, He took a part of what caged and physically protected the vital organs of man. This shows that man would need that added something for him to be whole again.

Strange, isn't it that woman has been doing all of the pleading, giving, and showing of how she needs him then the other way around. Man doesn't need a woman who is desperate and more on her knees then she is about her father's business. He needs for her to be confident and strong already doing what she is called to do (Hebrews 10:35 AMP). It has been taught in the pulpit otherwise because it sounds good for a woman to be vulnerable and at the ready to be married to someone. This type of woman would surely be submissive to her husband and obey him. However this is not the will of God... it is the will of man.

First, understand that we are supposed to be rightly dividing the Word of God so we know the truth and it will set us free (John 8:32 KJV). Everything that is written is permissible for us to do, but it is not profitable for us to do everything (1 Corinthians 10:23 AMP). Yes it does sound like it is good for a woman to cherish and reverence her husband who is the head of her, because we have heard it so often that we believe it to be true. We also know that there can't be so many leaders in one house, this will cause chaos which God is not the author of (1 Corinthians 14:33 KJV). So women have been the submissive ones in order for there to be order also to allow men to have the leadership role to be a good influence on young children. With that understanding, let's rightly divide the truth when man was cursed after being disobedient with what God told him to do. Man was told that he would work hard and from the sweat would he then eat the plants of the field because the ground was cursed because of him (Genesis 3:17-19 AMP). And so man does just this. He hasn't yet learned that with Jesus, the curse has been turned around and he no longer has to toil as he use to. But until he has this understanding, he continues to labor.

With the woman, which is the topic of this blog, she was told that she would be distressed and have pangs during child birth. Her grief will be multiplied and that she would crave and desire her husband and he will rule over her (Genesis 3:16 AMP). This sounds like what has been happening with women today. Child birth pain, most of us have accepted it as something we have to endure; however for a little while we were saying that we are too blessed to be stressed. What ever happened to that? Grief being multiplied doesn't sound like a heart being guarded and is extremely stressful. Which then comes to craving and having a desire for our husbands...huh! This is a part of the curse! Why hasn't anyone preached against this? It sounds like something we should have (Revelation 2:3-5 AMP). Yet, heart disease is the number one killer among women. You tell me, does it sound profitable to you?