Sunday, February 5, 2012

Rejection


Now it isn't something that people enjoy going through. So many times when it comes about, it starts with a pacifying statement that goes something like..."it isn't you, it's me." As if, that's suppose to make it all better especially when you were thinking that everything was going well!

So here you are experiencing the pain of being rejected. What happened? How could you have made it better? Why didn't God tell you that this was going to happen? How are you suppose to recover from this and go into any other relationship with a healthy outlook? Will this person reject or leave you too? How do you know it won't happen again? All of these questions continue to run its course because the flesh has been resurrected (2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV).

During this time, as bad as this may sound, it feels good to snuggle and caress the flesh just making yourself feel better. But we all know where this will end up. I am going to paint this picture for you to give some sort of visual. It is so humbling to actually write this out for all who reads this to see; nevertheless, it is for the betterment of the body of Christ so I will make the sacrifice (notice, the flesh would have me do otherwise).

I have probably written about this before, but it bares repeating for the sake of this post. When the world wide web had started about 16 years ago, I was discovering all sorts of search engines by placing any kind of topics I could think of just to see what would pop up. In so doing, I discovered chat lines and that I could communicate with anyone I wished any where. I was elated  that there were sites for pen pals from all over the world, chat rooms, and relationship sites as well. Chat rooms used to be a big deal back then but it was also a place for predators. Soon it was discovered that people are more dishonest on the web, then they are in person. I enjoyed a site where one could write to all sorts of people. There was this guy that liked my profile and requested for me to write to him. He was from Florida and very intelligent. He wrote some of the best letters that had me thinking before I wrote back or laughing at something that he spotted while writing to me. We were enjoying each other's company until he requested a picture. That was something I didn't know how to do yet. I wasn't computer savvy and even if I was, technology wasn't as friendly as it is now. I tried to stall so I didn't appear to be some sort of an idiot. While I was trying to work it out, he had sent me his picture. Yikes! Would be putting it mildly! There wasn't anything to write home about there. I couldn't believe all of this time, I was writing to him and he was contemplating coming up here out of state to see me. My first thought was, "where can I go? Where would I hide?" I didn't write him back immediately. I had to take account of what I was thinking and make some spiritual adjustments.

How dare I? Here is a man that was writing to me with humor and intelligence, just what any woman would like to read about and get to know better. We shared and took the time out of our days just to see if there was an email there waiting to open. It was one of those highlights that one looks forward to. How dare I be so superficial and not give this man a chance just because he looks like... uh...well, we all aren't appealing to everyone. I never thought I was as shallow as all of that until the day I saw this man's picture. I was ready to do the lets be friends speech.  Instead, I squashed all of that and continued writing to him. I even was honest about trying to understand how I could send him a picture of myself. It took a couple of days after I asked a computer student how to do it. I had the picture saved on a file and announced to this man, that I have the picture and will send it to him. He was so excited and kept writing statements back every few minutes like: are you sending it now? I didn't get it. Were you going to send it today? Where is it? His anticipation was flattering to say the least. I finally pushed the send button... or I thought I had when he inquired with the first question. But the second inquiry led me to believe that he never got it, so I sent it again. But when he asked, if I was going to send it today, I stopped and asked the student again if I sent it correctly. The student said that I did. So I asked that guy, what sort of game was he playing? I told him I asked someone who knew about computers how to do it; therefore, you already have my picture. What is going on? I didn't get a reply back. I continued with other matters I had to do on the computer, checking periodically if he sent an email. I figured he was busy with something that distracted him away from answering me and tried not to think about it as much.

It had to be about 30-45 minutes before I got a reply. It was longer then the usual letters I got from him. At first, I was pleased that it was so long...and then I read the first couple of sentences and realized that I was being dumped! Me! He was dumping me!!! As I continued to read, he based this departure of our correspondence on the image he received of me. He said I wasn't what he was expecting. I WASN'T...WHAT?!!! He looked like his face was dragged across hard miles of rocky road and bandaged up only to find what was underneath was worse. REALLY?!! I couldn't believe it! I was ready to write back some pretty scathing language setting Christianity aside for the moment. I wasn't what he expected? How could he have wrote back at all? I had to talk myself into writing back to him when he sent his picture. I was being kind, nice, gentle, Christ-like! I made an account of not being superficial and shallow. I was determined to see the heart of the man rather then his outward appearance and he writes back, I wasn't what he expected!!! SERIOUSLY?!!

I recall leaning back in the chair. I hadn't finished reading the entire letter because I had to recuperate from his audacity. Once recovered, I continued reading. He mentioned how long he asked for my picture and how long it took me to send it to him. He wrote that if I had sent it sooner, emotions wouldn't have been involved and this wouldn't hurt as much. We had been writing to each other for about a month. My emotions were not involved like he was writing. The only emotion I was feeling at that moment was revenge. I wanted him to know that I thought he was U-GAH-LY when I first saw that thing he sent and I was doing him a favor. A FAVOR, you CRETAN DOG! Jerry Lewis, in the Nutty Professor, looked better. He had a Moe (from the 3 Stooges) haircut. I thought it was a joke! All I had to do was push the send button for him to know what I really thought of how he looked. Just send it! Send it! SEND IT!!!

There it was, another dose of reality about what I still needed to clean up in my life. My ego was bruised. I had never been rejected before and the initial reaction to what he did was for me to plot revenge? I understood that I wanted him to hurt as much as he hurt me. But what was that going to prove? How was I suppose to feel better afterwards? How was I  suppose to know that he was really hurt, him being over 3500 miles away? It was foolishness and I knew it looking at the empty inbox, feeling that would be the last IM of intelligence and humor I was ever going to get. Yeah, that's the enemy tempting me to give depression a place of residence. It wasn't going to happen. I don't get depressed. The usual statement after, I don't get depressed is....I get even, wasn't going to work for me now; even though getting even sounded pretty good to say.

I use to wonder why would it be so difficult for some people not to take rejection well. Why would there be stalkers and those who just had to convince the one doing the rejecting to change their mind and give the relationship another chance. Could it have anything to do with the basic family structure? No one likes to think about the health of a child if there wasn't a whole family raising him or her. We are more comfortable thinking that children are resilient and will bounce back. It just doesn't look to be the case anymore. With fewer fathers being married to their babies' Momma, there is a feeling that children don't deal with because they don't understand it. It is a void. To the parents that have chosen to live together without the benefit of marriage, the child learns of both parents. And when its easier to walk away because there is no legal document binding the two, the child then learns of those first feelings of rejection and does not have the tools to manage how to deal with those feelings in his everyday life. Many parents without the structure and discipline of an education wouldn't see this. Their answer simply is, my parents weren't together and I came out just fine. You'll be alright. Yet the son without a mother has learned to resent women or is very timid around them. The daughter without a father is either very promiscuous or is very timid around men. Rejection from a relationship with either of these people will be the decision chosen to be timid, resentful, or promiscuous. How can one become whole again?

Oddly, I am finding that there are those that refuse to be alone once out of the relationship. For whatever the reason, being on the rebound is their answer. The reality of that is the rebound answer is only temporary and eventually as a believer you will have to deal with the open wound. The mature believer knows that stalking the other to convince them to try again is not the answer. You are only confirming why the relationship was severed in the first place. Like it or not, there is a scripture in the bible that is on the side of the one doing the rejecting (1 Corinthians 7:15 AMP). You just can't make someone change their mind. Whether the person feels pity for the one pleading or just says what you want to hear, its only temporary and the love is not there. You can't create for love to be there if the other truly doesn't want you. Know that caring about someone and loving that person is the same thing. The way you've been treated is proof. If he/she doesn't love you, he/she doesn't care about you either (1 Thessalonians 4:1-9 AMP). There is no point of going over the good times in the initial stages of the relationship. Neither of you knew the other back then and being on your best behavior took precedence.

It is why I write this blog. When we date as born again believers, if we put God first, dating wouldn't be so difficult. It doesn't take all of that effort to be likable. The love of God is oozing out of your pores because of all of the time you have spent with Him. He speaks for you to know what to say and do. The heart doesn't have a chance to get hurt because of your regular practices with Him. He sees what you don't. So before him/her starts pouring on all of the charm and batting the eye lashes, God set the ground work because you prioritized and put Him first. He will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5 KJV). Because you know that, He has the perfect person for you that has the same mindset of never leaving as well. Just trust Him.






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