Recently I wrote a blog: Sex In The City. I figure I touched on a subject matter that was relevant in the church and should be addressed because of the interest it generates. Not because of the things of the world having slogans that sex sells, its for the knowledge of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. If there is no new knowledge on a subject matter then we tend to use what we already know to do and that is the old man that has since passed away.
I am writing this sort of part 2 to the previous blog because I still think I was vague about the subject matter. Coming from a different perspective, seeing that people digests information in all sorts of ways, I figure clarity can't help itself but to be seen. No confusion or misconception as to what is meant by this or that
(1 Corinthians 14:33 KJV). And in order for the clarity to be all that it needs to be, you know I have to use the Word of God.
In the faith life style that I have chosen for myself, I have noticed that women don't have venues and retreats for other women to learn about maintaining or even creating a good marriage. I do understand the reasoning behind it but I don't think that women do - not completely (Titus 2:1-4 KJV). What I have learned that there are people that go to church for a myriad of reasons. Some for the fullness of God while others come to be seen in their Sunday best, and still others are establishing business contacts. Then you have those that are there in desperation to find a husband. When the single men are more then aware of the women around them, because men don't have the same issues with having a forum to maintain a good marriage, they keep away from those man eaters. There are women then look and see which married woman is happy and which one isn't. Then they decide how to approach the dissatisfied man or the man that can easily be tempted. Yes, there are women that can see a happy marriage and will try her level best to come to get what she can. To keep the happy marriage a secret, single Christian women miss out on the marriage forums. Why? Clearly because of fear. However ladies, let me inform you: If God has spoken to you about this need your fear will be the very thing that will come upon you (Job 3:25 KJV). Be obedient!
We all know that the broad is the way to destruction and narrow is the way to life (Matthew 7:13-14 KJV). I have discovered this in my personal life trying to maintain a specific career when I have so many other interests. I had to make a decision as to what I was going to do so not to be confused with doing too many things and coming out with nothing. This is also true with sex in the marriage. We know that testing all sorts of partners isn't the way to go, as tempting as that might be for some: clearly this is a broad perspective of thinking and we have established where broad way will take you. This would also be the same in dating so many different people. People have feelings and believe that being Christian, hurting one another is the last thing thought of; however, this is why I focus on the dating aspect not to be so romantic. With romance, hearts get involved. It establishes gaining control of your emotions and a perspective on what is seen internally rather then the outward appearance.
Now in the discussion you would have with "the one" there will come a point where sex will have to be the main topic. This is only after agreement has been made with other matters. Why? Because sex is not the all and be all. You might think that sex is because its been so long since you have had it and all you can think about at times. That is a warning for you to have a talk with Jesus. When sex is a thought entertained for long periods of time, your ability to stay focused is compromised. Decisions are made with regret following soon afterward. It is why Paul wrote that though it isn't a sin to marry because of sex, you will have trouble. Therefore, it is necessary that you maintain that relationship with our Lord and Savior before having such a discussion. About those other matters, while we are here, let's make that list available as well:
1. Interests - should be alike or correspond with the other. Such as enjoying investing while the other enjoys numeric equations.
2. Maturity in Christ - you cannot be with a baby Christian still having to fight with some carnal tendencies, that is, not unless you are having the same fight. Bottom line, babies shouldn't marry anyway.
3. Future Goals - she has to know that she was created for him and not the other way around; therefore, his goals are a perfect match with what God intended for her life.
4. Money Matters - who can budget better. What investments have been made? What were the mistakes and who made them? The answers decide who could manage money better.
5. Family - where does the importance lie? Is there a need to stay close to a parent and why? Should there be a place for the parent to come and stay with the married couple and why? Will the couple leave the city where the parents reside and why or why not? Extended family and children that come into a second marriage - where are the boundaries drawn?
This is a small list yet it is large enough to establish a much narrower path rather then being surprised with the dictatorship a marriage can turn into regret and resentment to soon follow and be apart of the union (Ephesians 4:27 KJV).
As far as sex goes, there are entirely too many ways this subject can turn. I understand that there are therapists that have written a number of books on the matter and believing that it can be a neutral ground to start on, would be error. If the therapist is not grounded in the Word of God, its a book you would rather not open. With that being written, lets dive into some of the things that we have been exposed to and believe that it is still alright to do as long as there is a willing participant. In this list, I am going to use the Word of God and then I will correspond the Word with the finding of those who specialize in the subject. The reason I can do this is because I sought it in the truth first.
Baring in mind that the marriage bed is undefiled, as written in the Word, we must have that word defined to gain a clear understanding. This word means not to have its purity of excellence debased. Knowing this we can then move on.
1. Role Playing In this there are usually two people meeting for the first time and neither party is married to each other. I have heard couples do this over and over and each time the roles being played is that they are strangers to each other or single. Knowing how God is and what He expects from us, I ask why would you introduce this sort of thing in a holy union that He has put together? Therapists won't agree with this. They will undoubtedly use the two consenting adults approach and be done with the matter stating that one cannot be too rigid in the faith. I pose to you: what happens when one of the two gets bored with role playing. Would the other stop or does it continue else where with someone else (extra-maritally)? Know that an introducing something into the marriage will take pre-counseling and prayer with both in agreement through out the marriage. It is not something to enter into lightly.
2. Anal Sex (penetration and oral) With the marriage bed being undefiled, I would not write not to do such a thing. I would, however show what could happen to the woman and man if this is where the interest is going. Here is a link describing some of the health risks if using this position as a common practice. With this knowledge, one must ask would you toss the dice in hopes that none of these things could possibly happen? If you are still considering it, then answer, how much do you really love your intended spouse?
3. An Open Marriage (Swinging) You realize as a Christian that this can only come to ruin. Who can forget Sarah's idea of how she tried to fashion God's words to mean something that it didn't. Abraham knew well and good exactly what God meant. He didn't misinterpret anything else. He could have set Sarah straight and comforted her not to think anything else that was crazy, but instead he couldn't wait to make her words come true. When he did, regret was waiting for him to make a place in his home.
4. Pornography (film, magazines, and books) This is a venue that can stir up all sorts of feelings as can get the imagination going to do things that you would have never thought of before. Its exciting and a means to do almost everyday if not two to three times a day. But for a moment think, why would this be so exciting? Are any of those people in the images that you are gaping at married? Are they playing a role of marriage? Why aren't there ever married people in porn and if there are, why aren't they ever exclusive for each other? Would it make porn boring? Why do you think that is? Why did Ted Bundy on death row confess where his obsession began? Why would either of you introduce this in your marriage?
5. Phone Sex When one of the two has the sort of position where traveling is necessary and the other cannot travel with the spouse due to family obligations, employment restraints, or other responsibilities, the resolve is to have sex on the phone. How wise would this be? Is the other satisfied with what was stirred up over the phone and away from home? Could this create an open invitation for the other to look around thinking about what was said over the phone. Or in the perfect world where the two are committed to each other, as he/she comes in the door expecting to get in real life what was said only to find an exhausted spouse not looking to do anything but to go to sleep...how wise is it?
6. Sex in Public Places It is the marriage bed that is not corrupt. Would that include for the marriage bed to be placed outside? Who does that? So then it would be fine to have sex in a public place if both people are married and consent to it? What would the police think? If they find you because a call was placed, would you then tell them, "Officers, its not what you think. We are married." You then show the officers your marriage license, you all have a chuckle at the lewd and lascivious behavior and they go back to their squad car leaving you to it? Recall laws were made of the land based on scripture. People that marry do so to gain honor, respectability, and to establish well behaved balanced families. Behavior contrary to this is rebellion and are usually incarcerated.
This should make of an interesting discussion. I must warn you, just as there are those in church services desperate to be married, this discussion is no different then seeing those wolves. There has to be a time with the Lord so that He can give you the insight you need to hear the things that the other one isn't telling you. Be not deceived with what one looks like. Don't be fooled with sexual enticement about the subject matter. There are too many people extremely dissatisfied with whom they have joined together because of this very topic. Unless you don't mind being apart of that statistic, disregard the warnings that you have just read. Contrary to popular belief, people don't really sing and dance on that sort of broad way.
The Marriage Bed is Undefiled is a previous entry I wrote and couples with this entry quite well. I hope all of your questions and the desires you have to be married have been answered. If not, pray and email me. :)