I Had This Feeling

Do you remember when you first believed and the Holy Spirit came to visit? That all consuming peace and love made every situation seem menial. There is a measure of confidence that comes in with Him along with wisdom and answers to questions you thought you'd never get the answers to. That feeling of motivation to do what you are called to do. It's what keeps you quiet when you want to speak your mind and it's what makes you speak up when it's not the popular thing (Acts 2:1-4 AMP).

I loved that feeling so much. I wanted it with me always; believing that going to church services would strengthen it causing me to always do the right thing. And then, seemingly all of a sudden I noticed it seeping away when justifying looking at television programs that weren't edifying (Luke 21:34 AMP). I noticed it seeping away when getting angry and saying the wrong thing (Ephesians 4:29 AMP). I noticed it seeping away thinking of matters from the past longer than I should have allowed it to be a distant memory - if at all (Psalms 103:10-12 AMP). And then one day as I was going through my regular routine, I thought about the goodness of God and that feeling...that wonderful feeling...that awesome, inspiring feeling that seemed to be gone - there He is. Now all I have to do is remember what I did in order to keep it where it is. What was it?  (Philippians 4:4-8 AMP)

What happened? What did I do? What did I say? What was I thinking?

I guess describing it as torment wouldn't be entirely wrong. There were no answers I could grasp and no

one I could ask (Proverbs 3:5 AMP). God can do whatever He wants to do. I had that wonderful experience and now it was gone. Ok...now what?!!! It was so frustrating I cried because I didn't know what I could do to make it come back (Philippians 4:6 AMP).

I had a feeling that was leading and guiding me. I had a feeling making me feel good throughout the day. I had a feeling that made everything better than alright. No one was bothering me no matter how hard they tried. This is what people hope to find in the bottom of a liquor bottle or a subscription for pills. I got it without asking. It was free. It is God and He loves me...is what that feeling felt like. I even said that I have become addicted to this feeling. Me crying? Did the love stop? Couldn't have. His love endures forever. So where is MY FEELING?!!! Where do I go to find it? How can I get it back?

It took quite a few months before I stopped thinking about that feeling. I had to function I have a career and a family to raise. I had to put it in God's hands and let life be what it is. And when I calmed myself and stopped thinking about going from ministry to ministry to catch that feeling again, I heard the wisdom of God help me to understand growing pains...yes, even in the Spirit of God as we mature, we cannot be where we were because of growth (1 Corinthians 13:11 AMP). There comes a time when God will move you whether you think you are ready or not.

We have all, at one point or another, have went back home to our childhood bedroom. Some of us, if we could, spent the night there. The memories of our parents taking care of the big things when all we had to do was make our bed and get good grades seemed so annoying then and so welcoming now. Now that we have to do the big things. I felt safe and comfortable at home. I wrapped myself up in a blanket and didn't want to go.... go back to the big things (Ephesians 6:1-9 AMP).

But it wouldn't be God if He left us there wrapped all snugly in bed and not wanting to get out of the comfort of not being responsible, accountable, and capable of doing what we are called to do even with the back biters, complainers, and those that don't have nothing else better to do but cause trouble. Yes, the fiery dart throwers and the subjects by which our tests are based (Ephesians 6:10-18 AMP). The elements that build the best character and the best traits (better known as fruit). It is the treasure God gathers (1 Peter 2:9 AMP). It is the harvest that He expected when He sowed His only begotten Son into the earth. Just chill. What we have is better than a mere feeling.