Fragile and Afraid

What is it about relationships that cause men to stop and think that he knows better than the One who created him? We all come to the point where we have to be independent and deal with matters and problems the best way we know how. Some solutions are better than others but once we have learned the best way we don’t detour from it unless we have learned something better (Luke 6:40 AMP). What’s so hard about that?

I was recently talking to a middle aged man who looked younger than his years. He has everything

going for him but the desire to be out on his own away from his parents. He can’t think of a good excuse other than him being comfortable where he is. There are no challenges, no expectations, he’s not accountable for anything or responsible for no one but himself and whatever he has in his room. I gradually had to tell him what the natural order of things are. In that natural order of things, there are normal expectations. He looked at me odd because I was challenging his comfort. I continued in reminding him that the fetus doesn’t stay a fetus. It becomes too big for the womb and must increase and grow. He/she requires a bassinet and then a crib, a bed, a bigger bed. The baby is in diapers, and then training pants, before trying on underwear. It is expected. It’s the natural order of growth. If this man decided to go back to crawling for no other reason than it’s what he wanted to do, his decision would be challenged because it would not be natural. Again, as simplistic and practical as it sounded, he didn’t like it; but there was nothing he could do. His parents were tired and was asking for help to get their son to move. Where? In the natural order of things. Out of their home (1 Corinthians 13:11 AMP).

I was watching a nature show, specifically the species that finds a mate for life. The birds in particular. There is this one sort of black bird that finds a clearing where he can make a display. He looks for anything green that could possible distract from what he is trying to do and moves it out of the way. Once the clearing is to his liking, he chirps loudly to call the female kind. When he sees her among the branches, he lands on the clearing and does a dance. It is really spectacular. For the finale, he spreads his wings and flips over to show iridescent green underneath. If she likes his performance, she comes in closer. If she stays, the two become a match for life. Easy-peasy. Why is it so much more of an exhaustive effort for believers? The bird didn’t show with contempt in having to make the clearing for his dance because he knew what he has been called to do and it was time for him to be independent with a mate of his own. He called out for the female bird to hear that he is ready for a mate for life. Who was his mate? The one that heard his call and liked his dance. Ta-dah!

As mentioned before, I enjoy talking to men. Once they get over themselves, that macho crap, and stop trying to find something to compete with women about (Galatians 5:17 AMP), they are funny, entertaining, and very interesting. I was fascinated when my family member was teaching about life (as many others of her generation)  and about men in particular. She told me that men have these egos that are fragile and that women should learn to handle them with care. 

Huh? Them? Big burly guys with all of that facial hair and the growl in the morning that can make the hairs on the back of your neck stand? Them? Fragile? Get out! 

With that info, I watched and saw the dance. It’s the dance that has been going on for centuries. It’s called the dance of mind games! What I learned was... I wasn’t going to do that. It was exhausting to keep up with the pretense (not to mention wallowing in error has it's own consequences). Let men be men. Have a conversation for them to know what are your triggers and ask about theirs. Tell him that you are the type that likes things a particular way and if he can’t meet those expectations, then decisions have to be made. Is it a reason to let the relationship go? Will it be a problem later? Can a compromise resolve the issue? Maybe or maybe not; it's what adults do to problem solve. Be matter of fact for there not to be surprises later. Basically, let the truth make you free (John 8:31 KJV).

Just think of the changes that has happened over the years. While my family member was trying to convince me that men have fragile egos, those very men got women to think that she needed to work outside of the home and make the same kind of income a man makes. Why? Because it seemed men didn't appreciate what they had at home and belittled women to think that what they did wasn't worth much. 

Anyone can stay at home do nothing! The stuff women do at home can be finished in an hour! They got it easy!

Heck, society agreed. And while a fraction of that same society tried to fight back, they weren't heard. Slowly the silent killer of men being heart disease and high blood pressure of white collar Caucasian men (back then) became the disease for women. Why? They weren't home anymore managing the house and children. Their mothers also convinced the formerly displaced housewives that it was the only way they could be happy and not lose their identity. Twenty to thirty years later women see it wasn't better. But now men are house husbands. The script has been flipped. Women come home and aren't attracted to the heap they left in the morning and is still in a heap with no cooked food and screaming children that should have been in the bed. When she divorces him, she pays the child support and alimony and resents it just as much as he did. So, what did we learn? Anything? Is there a happy medium, in the midst of this mess?

Yes, we need to use the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23 KJV). Women are multi-taskers and believe with the right amount of time, we can do it all and done the way we would like for it to be done. This doesn’t take away from the description of women in the Bible as the weaker of the 2 genders (1 Peter 3:6-8 AMP). She knows this. It is the reason to desire the presence of a man for security. She needs him. Yet, the answer for man needing help comes in the form of the woman who is described as mentioned previously, weaker (Genesis 2:18 AMP). Physically stronger as he is and equally clever to create from vision to actual structures like the Eiffel Tower, the Washington Monument, and the Statue of Liberty yet not equipped to conceive and birth his own legacy for his name sake. He needs her.

Fragile egos, desperation, and game playing have no place in building relationships for the purpose of
marriage and a family. Using the gifts God has given through the fruit of the Holy Spirit is the only way to succeed. There is no substitute. Seriously, it doesn’t matter if he/she is the most anointed spiritual advisor you know (even a family member you trust), if there is no word in the front or backend of his/her advice, send them packing. They aren’t out for your good or anyone else's.